Guide to surviving a long - distance backstreet relationship

Some girls just get all the drama.

Step 1. Establish a viable communication means between you and your beloved. There are a variety of methods to employ - ranging from the conventional, but unkind to the wallet - phone call (especially when international borders separate the two of you), to the almost free - but potentially harmful to your computer - Skype. At the bottom of the list is Facebook. Only use this last resort when you have no other option and have complete disregard for privacy, and intend to attract attention to the fact that you have a beloved, but your parents disapproves so you two against the world and its so totally awesome.

Step 2. Be vigilant and aware that your parents might be intelligent enough to know how to operate a Facebook account and monitor any communication you might have with your beloved. Under no means must you carry out cyber sex wall-to-wall, for your own good, and the good of other people who do not wish to imagine you an your beloved rubbing body parts against each other.

Step 3. Lay decoys. Go out with other guys more often. Spend more time on the phone with other people. Use a pre-paid number so they cannot track your phone calls. Tell them that somebody in your school has been spreading a nasty rumour that you are dating your beloved and that you are deeply disturbed. Make fun of your beloved to your parents. Anything to throw them off the hook.

Step 4. Erase tracks. And by tracks I mean e-mails, messages, conversation histories, anything that your little brother might actually stumble upon when using your computer and mention to your parents later on.

Step 5. Watch your parents like they watch you. If they asked one too many or too personal question about your beloved - how is he/she doing? where has he/she been? what are his/her parents like? - anything beyond the usual interrogations they do to your friends, they are most probably on to something. Crank up Step 3 and once they've taken the bait, them off slowly until they stop showing interest. Beware, they might be luring you into a psychological trap to make you lower your defenses. Constant Vigilance!!!

Step 6. Take up a job and save up for Step 7.

Step 7. Learn the geography of your beloved's location and plan an innocent little trip there with your BFF for a little 'sightseeing'. Here are some arguments to make your parents come round to granting you permission:
"I'm leaving for Uni soon and we may never see each other again..."
"You said I need to be more independent..."
"You let [insert older sibling's name] go once..."
"If you don't let me go I will tell Mom I saw you kissing another woman..."
"If you don't let me go I will tell Mom you tried to rape me..."
"If you don't let me go I will turn gay..."
"Fine." Then go to your room and do not come out for a week. Make sure you have a good supply of ready-to-eat food, water and plastic bottles.
Do not later brag to the world on some public media about how you totally pulled one over your parents and is going to see your beloved to get laid.

Step 8. Girls, let your guys watch porn. There is something vain about insisting that they use only the mental image of you when they 'relieve stress'. Also, over-practice may distort their memory of you into something more airbrushed and inaccurately sized. As a result, when you pop in for a surprise visit, you would be greeted with a disappointed face. At least, if they watch porn, they'd only be disappointed that they are not dating a porn star, which they would easily get over, as generations of men do.

Step 9. Trust. A long distance relationship is only worth keeping if you truly believe that, under the influence of any drugs and/or alcohol, no matter how sexually deprived, lonely or severe a PMS is, your beloved will stand his/her ground against the temptations of sluts/man-sluts.

Step 10. Get through PMS. A PMS to a long-distance relationship is like an evaluation session when hormones throws up every single tiny suppressed emotion and opinion and weighs it against the good times. The outcomes of these evaluation sessions will determine the progress of the relationship. Most on-off relationships are probably caused by PMS. Girls, obtain yourselves someone who is willing to remind you - monthly - why the tiny emotions are nothing and should continue to be suppressed until resolved or death, whichever comes first. Guys, either stay away or shut up. You are threading on dangerous waters here. A simple "Sorry hun, I'm out with the boys right now. Call you later. Bye." to a hormonally charged girl reads "I'd rather spend time with them right now. Call you later when I'm horny. Bye." I symphatise with you guys. I really do.

Best of luck, and remember: you are not alone - tons of teenagers are doing shit behind their parents backs these days. If you ever get caught, your parents might just be relieved you are not a crack addict too.