Spongebob

I had an argument with Ash the other day. It went like this.

Ash: Spongebob is retarded.
Me: No it's not. Its funny.
Ash: You're laughing at a freaking sponge. In a uniform with a tie. And his starfish friend.
Me: Yeah, well we laugh at the retarded things they do.
Ash: You're laughing at Patrick's retardedness. Don't you know there are some people who are actually retarded. Like, they actually talk to their hand and stuff.
Me: His retardedness is funny.
Ash: Why don't you go laugh at retarded people then? If you laugh at Patrick then you're laughing at retarded people.
Me: Where the hell do you get that?
Ash: Because Patrick represents retarded people. They're making fun of retarded people.
Me: How do you know that?! Maybe he represents starfishes. So we're laughing at starfishes.
Ash: Well starfishes don't talk. And they don't draw watches on their hands.
Me: Why are you upset, it's not like you are retarded?!
Ash: This is a waste of credit.


Can you feel teh love?

I'm smarter than CSI

You'd think that New York people would get their CSI stories from the news, and learn from criminals' mistake to not leave a trail of obvious evidences if they had to kill someone. Here's what I learnt from weeks and weeks without school and a complete collection of CSI.

1. Always wear gloves. The CSI has a magic database that will miraculously track you down, and even if you dont have a record, they can get a reference print from anywhere as random as a toilet seat.

2. Wear hairnets. So that you don't drop hair all over the crime scane, leading the CSI to your doorstep.

3. Kill with chemicals. Less mess to clean up later. More mess, more spots you will miss, and more for them to pick up.

4. Get rid of the body. Forget the chainsaw. Even a 5 year old can take a random piece of leg found in a garbage bin and say it probably belongs to the torso found by the beach earlier this morning. CSI just make it cooler with DNA tests. No, you want to eliminate all evidence and the body is the biggest, most convincing evidence in your hands.

Alternative 1. Cut the body into bite-size pieces. Dissolve the pieces in concentrated hydrofluoric acid. Then neutralise this acid. Go to an isolated island and throw it to the trees. The trees will take up the water so that even if CSI managed to track you to that island the cannot recollect it for evidence.

Alternative 2. Blast your dead body with gamma rays. It will mutate the DNA of the body so that CSI cannot identify it.

Alternative 3. Chop up the body. Cook it and feed it to stray dogs and cats in 5 different neighbourhoods. Piranhas, flesh-eating bacteria and zombies work too.

Alternative 4. Burn baby burn. Burn till nothing but ashes remain. The intense heat will destroy DNA, making your dead body unidentifiable. Take the ashes and spread it in someone else's garden halfway across the world.

Alternative 5. Grind the body and serve it in your pie shop down at Fleet Street.

Alternative 6. Throw it down a volcano.

5. If you must rape your victim pre- or post- mortem, wait at least 2 days before proceeding with the elimination. Sperm takes 12 to 24 hours to degenerate.

6. Before committing the crime, put your fingers through half a year or burning-healing-then burning again. This routine imitates the eczema condition which leaves you with no fingerprints.

7. Melt your murder weapon away. If its wood, burn it.

8. Train animals to kill. If you get caught, you can always say they were out of control and the death was accidental not targeted.

9. Serial killers draw too much attention to themselves and give themselves an identity by killing with the same method over and over again. Talk about lack of creativity. Kill by poison one day, by knife the next. Kill in different states, different countries. It makes it harder for CSI to link murder cases together if they are geographically separated.

Hot Chicks

I asked Ash about my hair the other day. He said to me "Yeah, it kinda looks Ah Lian. Didn't Mish use to have that hair?"
So I said to him, "Nice scalp, Ash."

I'm running a stall at the Pibakat Charity Sale with Yii Fang, Jolene, Nana and Sean this Sunday. We are going to sell kacangma, chicken curry and cookies made by Yii Fang's mum. Yii Fang asked me to come up with names for our stall. Within 5 minutes I had these:
Lodge A Levels '09 Hotties
Hot Chicks
Cheap Stuff
We Sell Food Here
Four Girls and Sean
Please Buy From Us
D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S

I think my creativity is running dry...Suggestions please!

How to be a good blogger

Don't you get the occasional urge when you have to unleash your inner bitch because of some unreasonable reason? Hey, an oxymoron! Good thing someone's off to NS, else he might realise that I'm totally dissing his ex's blog. Sigh, his future girlfriends are going to diss my blog too in the future. I just know it.

1. Your Title
The title is your bait. Your title is the hook. Your title is like the expensive boob job prostitutes squeeze their va-jay-jays for to reel in more customers because it is the first thing they notice. That is just it. The title is the first thing your readers are going to take in from your blog, so make it flashy, not necessarily bouncy or perky, but at least full of substance. Are we getting the right picture here? Most importantly, it has to be you. Here are some choices that you would like to avoid:

My Life - It's a blog, not an autobiography. You are either really confused or really vain to think that people have less important things to attend to than to read your day to day routine. If your posts start with anything like "I had cereal for breakfast today. Isn't cereal great? What did you have today?" then maybe you're not exactly cut out for blogging.

My Life as a Teenage Hormonal Girl - Although day to day bits of a girl with rocketing mood swings sounds just the tiniest bit more interesting than the previous title, the same argument still applies here. If you are seriously thinking about this title, maybe you could spare some time to finding yourself a peer group, or trying to make one of your own.

*Your Name* - Unless you are a celebrity well-known blogger or someone with a large enough social circle that half the people on the internet knows your name, please do not assume that people who opens your blog will not go "Who?" at the sight of your title.

*Something about the colour theme of your blog* - Yes, thank you, we are not blind. We see in colour quite well too. Perhaps you're trying to reflect yourself with your favorite colour. It's good that you are taking the advice on making the title you, in which case, congratulations on the effort. Now go and try to make it you and interesting.

2. About You
This is plain tricky. You want to come off as interesting. You want to come off as funny. But you don't want to seem vain and you don't want to give off too much information, in case someone really really likes your blog and decides to stalk you. There isn't exactly a minimum necessity here - your profile can even say nothing about yourself or just some random and retarded facts. However there are upper limits on the amount of information you want to publish to the world. These limits are created by the common courtesy of not wanting to bore the death out of your readers. Try and lay off details like the languages you write and speak (It's not a job interview), your relationship status (why would your readers care whether you're taken or not? Unless you want them too. Try this site instead.), your education status (Wake me when you're done), or the fact that you are sensitive and write poems. Describing yourself as simple is the worst thing you can do to your blog. Simple is common. Simple is boring. People want loud, poke-you-in-the-eye stuff. There is nothing blog-worthy about a simple life.

3. Cam whoring
Every blogger needs to equip him/herself with a camera with 5 megapixels or higher to fulfill their cam-whoring potential to the max. Be sensible though. God lets us invent cameras to immortalise our precious moments but if we look like crap in those precious moments then maybe its a picture to keep rather than to post. The way you pose in your pictures says a million words about you. Which type are you? Follow the numbers to find out.

Girls:
1. You pose with any number of your digits held anywhere near your face. If yes, go to 2. If no go to 5.
2. The digit you pose with is your middle finger and only your middle finger(s). You sometimes pose with your arms folded, camera angle from downwards while you wear a i'm-gonna-kick-your-ass look and very often something black. If yes go to 4. If no go to 3.
3. The angle of your shots are 45° upwards and 45° to your side. If yes, you are an Ah Lian. If not, you are halfway there.
4. You often feel agitated about life and the people in it and you genuinely want to AND is able to kick their butts. If yes, you are a punk rocker chick. If not, you're a goth.
5. You smile, or try to in your photos. If yes go to 6. If no go to 4.
6. You look like a piranha when you smile. If yes, go to 7. If no, go to 8.
7. You post these pictures on your blog. If yes, you are Ash's ex. If no, you have good judgement.
8. Your photos consists of a range of photos, close up or full body, taken at different angles. If you look good in less than 50% of them, you don't care much about your appearance. If most of these photos and you look good, you know how to use your camera. If you don't take photos at all, you are mysterious and sexy, maybe...

Guys:
1. Your pictures have other people in them. If yes go to 2. If no, go to 3.
2. Those people are smiling with you. If yes, go to 4. If no, you're the type of guy who likes to pull random people into pictures just so that he doesn't look like a total narcist.
3. Your pictures are taken at a consistent angle, with you with an almost constant facial expression so that you look like the bad actor from Speed Racer. If yes, go to 6. If no, you are creative
4. You actually know those people. If yes, go to 5. If no, you are the type of guy who pulls random people in and forces them to smile with you so that it looks like you have a lot of friends.
5. Those pictures capture you in a number of different situations, happy, surprised, wet, studying, in a library, in class, in your car. If yes, you're the type of guy who carries around a camera with him wherever he goes to document every single moment of his life. If no, you're just normal.
6. You don't have a I'm-going-to-kick-the-shit-out-of-you look. If yes go to 7. If no, go to 8.
7. You actually look good. If yes, you are such a narcist. If no, FAIL.
8. You actually CAN kick the shit out of people. If yes, you are an Ah Beng. If not, you are a poser.

4. Your language
You do know you actually have to write something on your blog, right? I will go ahead and assume that you write in english, since you've made it this far. I might sound like a Cambridge examiner when I remind you of the need to write in good and clear english, and that means getting your tenses right and NOT writing in chat language.

Dis lingo ryte hea is not phat or kewl orite? U dun wrte in ur blog lyke dis or i wil beat u 2 deth witcho keybrd.

As important is your use of punctuations. Especially if your blog is suppose to reach out and grab your readers by the balls.

Youre not gonna get any nuts writing like this now arent you. Do you get what I mean. Im talking to you allen.

5. Your content
No blog is complete without its content, duh. What you post about is essential to the make or break of your blog. If you aim to provide your readers with suitable reading material before bed ten by all means blog about what you did today in painstaking detail, about you and all your extra-ordinary vaganza. Bloggers who mean business take to post guides, serious or mockery, informing or funny, sexist or not. Very few, if any, people will go to your blog to find out how your love life is going. If you have read all this way it's safe to say you are not a personal blogger. Kindly consider what random lifeless people would browse through blog after blog for. And if you're going to put like 20 random facts about yourself, at least make them controversial so that people who care enough would have something more to say rather than just "wtf". Bad example.
Spicing up your blog with sarcasm is a neat trick, though not many can pull it off.
This is an example of a successful satire post. This is not.
Want to test whether your sarcastic post is a thumbs up or down?
Have a random person read that post and gauge his/her reaction. If you get a haha, you're good. If you get silence or a wtf, you'd better rewrite or delete.
Swear words colour up your posts. No argument. But be wary of the line where your post stops looking like a pretty picture and more like random splotches of paint. Exercise restraint please.

Sense of humour is a must. If you don't have it, get one. ~ XiaXue.

6. Keep in balance
Points 1, 2 and 5 should go together for maximum awesomeness. Do not disappoint. Your hell of a title and about column isn't going to make up for the multiple areas your content may be lacking in. The best thing to do is be yourself in everything you write. If you're witty, stay witty. If you are simple with a less adventurous life where you find that a quest for makeup at Stage, MAC and Elianto are things worth blogging about, let the content of your blog reflect that part of you, like this blog. Don't be afraid to reveal yourself.

End.

This post is limited edition only. It will be deleted after a while to prevent someone from flipping out when he comes back from NS. Enjoy while you can.

Malaysia's got issues

Anyone tried the new KFC Fiery Crunch yet?

You should. It's full of South-East Asian herbs, Malaysian spices and unoriginal goodness. If you're heading out for a family lunch one day and looking for a taste of Malaysia, look no further than KFC, the legendary fast-food chain that used to be American.

In fact, tourism booklets nowadays are going to add KFC on the must-try list of local delicacies to sample in Malaysia - it's going to be right next to Pizza Hut.
Malaysia's got some serious insecurity issues. Think about it. Why else do you think they keep inventing new (crap) recipes for KFC and Pizza Hut. Anybody notice the new recipes taste more and more like satay sauce or rendang. I know they're probably trying to establish Malaysia an identity of its own or some shit like that, but this is kinda too far. There's trying to be different, and then there's obsessed with it. Next thing you know they'll be selling chicken satays in KFC.

Oh wait, they did that already.

So I was chewing my piece of hot and spicy chicken thigh and I'm thinking "Hey, this rendang is pretty good......wait, what am I eating?!"

Suddenly I hear the voice of the Malaysian Government booming in my head "We may not be able to make you eat only Malay food. Instead we're gonna turn all available food Malay. Now you'll NEVER escape us. Muhahahahahaha."

Thank god Starbucks isn't monopolised, otherwise you'd see things like Vanilla Latte Tarik on their menu.

If they even think about changing the Big Mac recipe I swear I'm going to start an international war. I'd hack into the Indonesian military system and fire those missiles myself if I have to - assuming Indonesia has missiles. First target will be all KFC outlets.

How come you don't see stuff like Kung Pao Chicken Burger or Nasi Briyani with KFC chicken? I guess the Government is too busy trying to lace fast food outlets with cultural tastes they forgot about the other half of Malaysia. Simple mistake. Could've happened to any race.

What's going to be next for Pizza Hut? Laksa sauce on pizza? Hmmmm...yum.

You'd think they'd come a recipe of their own instead of improving fucking up Colonel's Sanders' years of hard work. Racist plagiarising country.

I can see those booklets now: Welcome to Malaysia - the land of fucked-up KFC.

Lina's Farewell Party a.k.a Girls' Drunk Fest

The title speaks for itself.

We had:
- Smirnoff vodka (It was on sale at Ta Kiong. Got it for only rm70++)
- Australian sweet white wine (free, from Mish)
- Sparkling (for Tash)
- Sprite n Coca Cola (for Tash)
- McDonalds (to down the vodka with)
- ice (because you gotta have ice...)

My new favorite drink is wine mixed with sparkling - double kick from the alcohol and the soda. The key to a right composition is to watch the colour. I like it 50-50. If you get it right the pale reddis colour should look like pee with blood in it - that is if you use white wine and red grape sparkling. Never use apple. Apples are for kiddies. Even Tash doesn't do apple.

Feel the Lina love.

"Mish, watch out for the floor."

Two and a half glasses of wine/sparkling and a glass of vodka/sprite later I was like this.
Few things happen when I get wasted, as I discovered.
1. I get instant hangover.2. I vomit on moving things.
3. I talk to dogs.
"Spotty, pretend that you're not less than 2 feet tall and get me a bucket...don't grr me. I feed you!"

Still, we all got reasons for our behaviour. This however I can't explain.

This blog is not dead...yet...

3 weeks since the last day of exams...what have I accomplished so far?

Well, first off, I had a Cass-we-have-to-go-out-and-get-drunk-together promise with Hee Jin to keep. So off we went to the only place in Kuching where (adolescent?) teenagers such as ourselves can spend a night without parental or any adult supervision to get as drunk and wasted as our bodies can possibly get without suffering death or other unpleasant experiences - Damai.

Heineken, Hennessy, Soju, wine and sparkling (The sparkling was for Tash - born with the most unfortunate allergy towards alcohol) was pretty much enough to get everyone drunk (or in Tash's case, sugar-high). The night would've been more enjoyable if the Damai people didn't keep knocking on our door for various things. The first time was to tell us to keep it down. On the second they came into the room to check if we had more than 4 people staying (thank god they didn't check the bathroom). Then they came again to try and charge us for having extra guests. Overall, we had fun - as much fun as 10 drunk people (+ Tash) can have in one single chalet room.

Ash.I'm concerned for the sexual exposure of whoever gave him pointed breasts AND a penis.

Ash: Oooh...me likey!We try to be ah lian. We try.Sean pretends to be innocent.11 people + 1 chalet room

That was the last time I saw our class together. After that Clara, Ash and Lina left (in that order).

Following that was the depression (yes, actual depression) that there is no more school. Not that we miss the exams and the teachers and the school building (hell no), its the fun stuff like hanging out before classes and being late, pinching off Sean's food, sneaking out of school to get Starbucks and getting pawned by Darren and Chiek in a virtual world. Good times.

Boredom and depression is not a good combination to have when you're missing your boyfriend who is off in some camp, having a jolly good time being Head of Dorm and Head of Company and whatever shiz. Every roti canai, every nasi briyani, every kancil I see and every Indian dialect I hear reminds me of Ash being ditched for NS. (I just realised that last sentence might come off as being racist, but its not I tell you.) SO...I had to get out of town, go back to Pontianak, eat some Indon food 4 times a day, and get my hair done.

Oh my gooooood Indon food. Nothing...I say, nothing in Kuching tastes like fried cow's lungs. What is it? It's cow's lungs...that's fried. It's crunchy and chewy at the same time. I could take one and eat it like keropok -crunch crunch. Its even better than papadam I swear. Have I freaked you out yet?Don't give me that look. You eat pig intestines, don't you?

Then I got my hair effed up done.
See! See!
For those less observant than a blind parrot, I now have bangs and it's redder and less Hermione-like.
No, it's not ah lian. This is what Ah Lians try to be like.
And no. I did not just take these pictures for the sake of blogging about them. How could you even suggest such a thing...

Is it just me, or is my writing style starting to sound like Yii Fang's? Damn, gotta go back and add random swear words.